I need to know, have I gone mad? Am I alone in my dichotomy?

I have lost all sense of time and space, mornings run into evenings, workdays blur into weekends. Yet the days of the week have not changed.

I miss the commute when my brain has time to transition between home and work, yet I appreciate my body not being in constant motion.   

I feel grateful and blessed, yet sad and afraid all at once.

I miss the comfort of structure and routine, yet I love the freedom of breaking from it.

I am relieved to work at home away from everyone yet miss the interaction and connection.

I feel blessed to have the gift of time with my children, yet yearn for them to leave.

I miss the quiet and solitude of being home alone, but I know I will miss them when they go.

Video technology has made communicating so much easier and more frequent, yet my brain hurts, my eyes sting and I am exhausted by days end.

Logically I know I am young and healthy and have nothing to worry about, yet emotionally I fear being torn from this world.

I love my partner, yet am ready to divorce or strangle him. I am not sure which. Perhaps both.  

I am calmer and more grounded, yet more easily agitated and annoyed.

I feel disoriented yet am more clear than ever before.

I seek some sense of certainty, yet know there never was any, nor will there ever be.

I want my life to go back to normal, but dread and resist it being so.

I want this all to hurry up and be over, and yet I am not yet ready for it to be so.

It has been a tragedy. It has been a blessing.

The world is better, reefs are returning, grass is growing thicker, families are connecting, we can see the sun in China, yet it is worse than it has been in decades. All the poverty, fear, deaths and loss.

Today do I want to see the darkness in the world, or the light?

Don’t worry, it’s getting better. Don’t believe it, its not.

Am I alone in my insanity? Or are we all feeling the same?

Warmly, Sharka