Step 1 of 10
Conflict is ever present in our personal lives and workplace. There is no way to avoid conflict. Mistakes get made, people don’t behave the way we want them to or expect them to, projects are delayed, budgets get cut, customers get frustrated and upset, we get disappointed by others, decisions and plans change and more. Conflict is everywhere and inevitable. So, trying to avoid conflict is futile, if not simply impossible. Our challenge is instead to learn how to better resolve the conflicts we find ourselves in daily.
Conflict is natural (even neutral) i.e., the rushing water eroding the sides of the riverbank or a deer protecting her little one from prey. Conflict becomes destructive and negative when it triggers and inflames negative emotions. A difference of opinion or point of view only escalates into an argument when we add the ingredient of emotion, i.e., anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, rejection, etc. We also have an inherent need to defend and protect ourselves and to not be judged or criticized and thereby hate to be wrong or to look bad.
Conflict can be positive and productive. In many research studies constructive conflict has been linked to increased creativity, better decisions, less errors, better problem solving, a reflection of a more trusting work culture and high levels of teamwork. So how do we shift and change the experience of conflict to be healthier and less destructive to ourselves and our relationships, be they personal or work related?
If a peer tells us they believe we under budgeted a project or under allocated the days needed, or that our sales forecast isn’t accurate, we likely immediately perceive this as a judgement of us and take it personally and immediately have an emotional response, however mild or strong (unless of course you are highly emotionally intelligent and evolved and instead say, “thank you so much for the feedback and help, I really appreciate you helping me avoid making a mistake. Please help me understand so I can improve.” So, interpreting others’ statements and comments as an attack is often what escalates the conflict. We hear that we are somehow “wrong”, or worse incompetent or not good enough. And when we feel that we have been attacked or judged we then default into either a response that is defensive (explaining, arguing, rationalizing, etc.) or launch an offensive attack back “oh yeah, well how many times have YOU had a project go over budget or missed your number, my project is more complicated than yours!”. And then the tennis match begins, back and forth between the two parties until someone wins or loses.
Sadly, most of the time we would rather be right about how the other person is wrong than be happy.
This conflict de escalator tool is designed to help you learn about your conflicts and to better understand the patterns and emotions that go on for you. To help you analyze and understand each individual conflict. Having more insight and awareness of your thought processes, triggered emotions and behavioral responses, as well as the impact of the conflict on your results and experience can be a powerful first step to helping you resolve conflicts, no matter how trivial or significant. Being able to choose a different response or reduce the negative impact of a conflict can help you to fee happier, more confident, important, good enough, grounded, valued and more.
Identify who the conflict is with.
This can be a person – colleague, customer, partner, family member, friend
Perhaps you are in conflict with a company or other entity – the company I work for, the airline, the government, the ski mountain
Could be a concept, idea, policy, addiction or other that I am in conflict with. We can be in a conflict and in resistance with things that are not “people”. For example, I might be in resistance and conflict with being forced to get a covid vaccine or needing to have to show a vaccine passport everywhere I go, I could be in conflict with the government’s and it’s decision to increase my taxes, I might be resistance and conflict with the loss or death of someone I care about, with a project I’ve been assigned to, a disease such as cancer I have been diagnosed with, god, the church, me, alcohol/drugs, losing my job, etc. Yes, we can be in resistance to or have conflict with abstract constructs and ideas. All of these things have the ability to affect our experience of life and work and our way of feeling and being in the world.
Who or what is the conflict with?
Often conflict is rooted in two parties being stubborn or adamant about their position, view or perspective of the situation. We get so attached to our “truth” being the only truth that we can’t shift off of our position or see the situation from the other person’s perspective. We think we are right and they are wrong or that our truth is THE truth.
So, what is the position or truth that you are being right about or insistent upon?
The person you are having the conflict with has a different opinion, view, perspective or belief about this issue, topic or situation. The conflict is escalating because THEY think THEY are right and YOU are wrong. So, if you put yourself in their world for a moment, what do THEY think is actually true?
State what THEY are being right about in this situation/conflict:
Re-read what you just wrote about their version of the truth. What if you are wrong and they are actually right? How does that feel?
Describe the conflict “event”. Not a long story about who said what or did what, just one sentence that includes nothing but the FACTS. Objective, neutral identification of what is observable behavior that you saw with your eyes, heard with your ears, or experienced. Be neutral. No judgements YET. Write down what I would have also witnessed if I was there with you. The other party should not disagree or object to this description because it’s an observable fact that can’t be denied.
What I THINK about this fact/behavior/event
List all the “thoughts” in your mind related to this event or behavior.
List your opinions, judgements, beliefs, assumptions, conclusions, decisions and more.
Leave out your feelings in this step, that will come next.
How I FEEL when I am having all these thoughts. Feelings are emotions, not thoughts. Identify the negative impact this conflict is having on how you feel at work, in your relationship, etc.
Check all the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing related to this conflict as a way to understand the deeper impact it is having on you. You are paying a price having the thoughts and judgements about this conflict. It is high jacking your happiness and sense of power and confidence in the world. Check all that apply.
Now identify what you WANT or NEED from them. State it in the form of a request, not an attack of judgement. Use “I” language.
Not only does conflict have an impact on your emotional state and level of happiness, but it also affects us physically. Take a moment to do a quick inventory of how this conflict might be impacting you physically.
Now identify how having these thoughts related to this conflict and feeling both emotionally and physically the way you do affects how you BEHAVE or ACT. What do you do or not do? How are you being different as a result of being in this conflict. List specific action or behaviors?
Now take a moment and reflect on a high level upon your feelings and actions/behavior that have resulted as a consequence of this conflict. What have you learned about yourself? What do you realize is the price you pay but staying in this conflict with this person, organization or issue? What is the impact of this on your happiness and life?
You are not done yet. Now identify the PAYOFF or REWARD you get by staying in this conflict. What is the secondary gain you receive by having this conflict in your life? You may need to dig a little deeper to come up with the answer to this one.
What can you say or do to resolve this conflict? What would it take to lessen the tension and negative energy? What can you do, that you know would help, but you don’t really want to do? What are you afraid to say or do that would help?
Now decide if you are willing to commit to doing the following. Yes, I will:
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